“Even if we have separate lives, and if we’ve changed into total opposites, that doesn’t mean we have to lose each other,” said my best friend of six years. We were sitting on the dirt path near the lake as I cried, thinking I’d lost my friend, that just because we didn’t see each other meant I’d fallen out of favor. But that friend reminds me that we don’t always have to talk to be present in our lives, which is ironic because it’s true. Both of us always find each other and talk like nothing has changed. He told me that there’s nothing to change about us because we’ve built separate lives that make sense for us while connecting with each other. 

Codependency is the tendency to unhealthily depend on someone to take care of you and have the caretaker bend over backward to care for them. Usually, these relationships are characterized by two people unable to live separate lives apart from each other. Their lives mold and cannibalize each other to the point that it’s not their lives anymore, it’s the other persons. 

I was first exposed to this concept when I read The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. When I finished the story, I was rightfully paranoid about forming my own codependent relationship. But ironically, I had this romantic view of relationships.

I thought best friends should take up each other’s lives, I thought lovers should abandon their responsibilities to take care of each other. So even though I never wanted a codependent relationship, I romanticized those traits and my friendships suffered as a result. 

I believe that one relationship cannot sustain a life. One person can’t encapsulate your whole life because your life is filled with so many aspects and experiences, that prioritizing one person is counterproductive to what you want to sustain. If you find yourself letting that one person define your life, then you need to prioritize other things. Your identity, personality, opinions, and your very being shouldn’t be easily influenced by one person. You are your own person, and the life you have is yours.

I also believe parasocial and codependency can cross over, which is very messy. Imagine letting a celebrity take over every facet of your life, to the point that you are not fiscally responsible. It’s worse because it’s a one-sided relationship that ends in a net loss. 

So what can you do to maintain a healthy interdependent relationship? 

Well, I can’t just give you a cookie-cutter step-by-step guide on a relationship I don’t know about. I can remind you that you need to prioritize yourself, and your dreams. Look at your hobbies, are most of them centered around one or two people? If it is, then find a new hobby. Pay attention to how you react when you have to part from your loved one. Do you freak out, or are you alright? The whole goal is building a life so that if your loved one leaves, then you have something and someone to support yourself with. There are plenty of ways to foster your life while strengthening your relationships. Most of all, play it by ear and pay attention to your instincts.

But, make sure to reach out for help as much as you can. Being interdependent doesn’t mean being hyper-dependent, it means having a life outside of your relationship, while simultaneously strengthening your own. 

Your life is so much more than that one person. You are special, dynamic, and intricate with or without that person. Because when all is said and done, all you have is yourself and the life you built for yourself.