“High risk, high reward.” Whoever came up with this quote failed to include the opposite of that possibility. Yes, high reward, but what about the great chance of failure? Or the inevitable emotion of something so excruciatingly heartbreaking, you lose all sense of humanity?
While everyone is on their own path of life, following their own written fate, we all experience the phenomenon of heartbreak at some point along the journey. It is an inescapable human emotion that feels somewhat eternal. Whether stemming from lost dreams, failed relationships, or any of the unspoken trials we eventually face, rest assured, your heart will shatter into a million pieces at some point.
But Greek philosopher Epictus once said, “It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
We humans react to heartbreak one of two ways: we search for a community to guide us through it, friends, family, or someone new, or we isolate until we feel safe to come out again.
I would classify myself as an isolator. After some of the worst heartbreaks I have experienced, I found myself hibernating to avoid any risk of feeling anything that could possibly lead into another heartbreak. I called this “healing”.
I was challenged, however, when I read a quote that said, “Are you healed or are you isolating yourself from possible triggers?” Ouch.
Don’t get me wrong, independence can be a beautiful thing. It pushes us to be comfortable in our own presence. Oftentimes, solving a problem on your own is rewarding in itself. According to Delaware Psychological Services, independence also “reduces stress and promotes happiness.”
While I enjoy being independent, I tend to enter the dangerous realm of hyper-independence. I desensitize myself to emotions, good or bad, and disguise it as part of healing. This, I’ve learned, is a trauma response.
At the end of one of my favorite songs by SZA, “Ghost in the Machine”, modern philosopher Sadhguru says, “Those who have forsaken their humanity like to patch their life with morality.”
Morality is a relative and debatable construct that individuals alter to meet their needs. While humanity is derived from the awakened and natural senses like kindness, empathy, and even heartbreak.
In my isolation period, I created my own definition of healing. A definition that challenged me yet kept me very comfortable. And in doing so, I lost sense of the humanity I was once able to feel. In trying to protect my heart from feelings I never wanted to feel again, I ended up masking any feeling at all.
When we rely too much on hibernation and hyper-independence, we rob ourselves of the possibilities to feel all the good in the world. I guess this is what they meant by “high reward.”
The human experience is packed with a plethora of different emotions, of course, heartbreak being the most memorable. But what if we allowed ourselves the grace to actually be human, to courageously feel all the emotions life has to offer.
Independence is a good thing, especially after heartbreak. But even better, is a balance between independence, community, and acceptance.
Accepting heartbreak along with happiness reminds us we’re alive. Taking risks again after only seeing the possibilities of failure isn’t easy. But isn’t the reward of happiness worth it?
